Can’t type as fast as you think? Blinked and missed Windows 9.0? Pining for rubber mouse balls? NBN too slow? Well if you seriously think Pete has the answers to your first world tech problems, better just press CTRL-ALT-DEL now!

    Hi Pete, I won 400,000 euros in a Lithuanian lottery, but I can’t seem to claim my prize because my computer has completely frozen up! What should I do – I really need that money!

    Nadine, Spotswood

    What you should do is… I was going to say buy another computer, but then I thought, no that’s like me telling a 5 year old to buy a car. Nadine, what you should do is go and take a beginners’ computer class. You see, they teach you about stuff like, oh I don’t know, NOT OPENING ATTACHMENTS FROM DODGY FOREIGN LOTTERIES THAT YOU DID NOT ENTER IN THE FIRST PLACE! Sorry I had to shout, though I have to admit it was quite theraputic, a bit like doing the PC version of a high colonic – a full hard-disk defrag!

    Hi Pete, I got an email from my ISP about downloading stuff from the internet. They reckon they traced my browsing activity back to a website called, and if I get three strikes I’ll be prosecuted – and I’m on two strikes! Now what?

    Naeem, Brooklyn

    What you should do is… Hang your head in shame Naeem. I’ve seen first hand the effects of your blatantly illegal activity; industry giants merging in billion dollar deals, movie moguls having to sell their 10 million dollar Bel Air mansions and move into 6 million dollar Malibu condos, and actors like Kristen Stewart taking savage paycuts from 20 million a film down to 12 million – and being sent on diversion programs to acting school. And if that isn’t enough evidence of the media and entertainment industry’s massive drop in income, then the fact that some of them didn’t even have enough money left over to pay taxes is the smoking gun my friend.

    Hey Pete, what is it with friggin’ slideshow websites? When I click on “The 20 greatest selfies the world’s ever seen” or “10 hidden secrets to great abs revealed”, that’s what I wanna see, not one image at a time, click-through, blah, blah with friggin’ ads all over the screen. I’m seriously ready to break the internet.

    Neil, Footscray

    What you should do is… embrace the life you’ve chosen for yourself Neil. If you are truly interested in “That moment” when someone’s jaw dropped and they were moved to tears (and picture number 27 will break your heart) then you deserve all that you get! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m still ploughing my way through the “157 photos that reveal how Britney Spears went nuts” and still have about 129 to go. Pretty sure somewhere around photo 137 is the one where she shaved her head, us baldies have to stick together…

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