Security threat development
Operation Eric Fury of Altona North writes,
Dear Westie, I need your urgent advice about a serious security threat developing in my street. Believe me, this is going to be huge.
I have credible intelligence—the best intelligence, really tremendous intelligence—from Margaret three doors down that the new family who moved in next door might have children. Many people are saying this. Margaret says she saw what could have been a footy in their recycling bin, though she admits it was dark and it could have been a yoga ball. Either way, I’ve spent eighteen months cultivating my heritage tomatoes—beautiful tomatoes, the best tomatoes you’ve ever seen—and I will not stand by while potential juvenile football enthusiasts threaten my cucumbers.
My raised vegetable beds are right near the fence line. Any football coming over that fence could cause catastrophic damage to my silver beet. Total disaster. We’re talking complete ecosystem collapse. One errant kick and my whole summer harvest is gone. Gone!
I’ve decided the only rational response is a pre-emptive strike. Nobody does pre-emptive strikes like me. I’m planning to install a 2.4-metre fence extension with razor wire, flood lights, and possibly some of those motion-activated sprinklers. Very powerful sprinklers. I’ve also been researching whether I can legally claim my airspace extending 50 metres up from the tips of my silver beet, to prevent aerial ball incursions.
Margaret says I’m overreacting, but she’s a loser. My other neighbours say I should maybe just introduce myself first, but that sounds like appeasement to me.
Do I have your blessing to proceed?
Regards, Eric Fury [Oops: note to editor. Withhold name.]
Dear OEFOAN. Wow. That’s certainly a situation you’ve described there. Very detailed. Tremendous detail, even.
Look, I understand you’re concerned about your vegetables. As a fellow backyard veggie nut, I respect a good silver beet crop. However, I’m going to have to take what diplomats call ‘a step back’ from this one.
Here’s the thing: I’m not saying you’re wrong about the potential football threat. I’m also not saying you’re right. What I am saying is that I personally will be expressing deep concerns about any pre-emptive fence extensions while simultaneously doing absolutely nothing to stop you. I’ll be watching from a safe distance, possibly from inside my house, possibly with the curtains drawn.
Have you considered that maybe—and I’m just throwing this out there—you could wait until you actually see a child? Or a football? Or any evidence whatsoever beyond Margaret’s night time bin surveillance? I’m not suggesting appeasement, I’m suggesting ‘not building razor wire based on recycling bin speculation.’
If you go ahead with Operation Name Withheld Fury, I want it clearly noted that I advised caution, urged restraint, and suggested dialogue. I’ll be making a statement to the usual Altona North Facebook groups expressing my disappointment in the escalation while carefully avoiding any actual commitment to doing anything about it.
Also, mate, if it was a yoga ball, you’re about to spend $3,000 on fencing to protect yourself from a woman doing downward dog in her backyard.
Just… maybe knock on their door first?
From last edition
In last month’s Dear Westie, we counselled a reader concerned that his house was becoming ‘that house’ you know, the one? Every street has one: untidy lawn, a Torana or two on blocks, a mangy dog on a chain, etc. We urged him to either embrace the chaos or get on the tools one weekend. Well, you out there in Westsider land weren’t having a bar of that. Foghorn Leghorn of Yarraville, had the best advice: Just get chickens. Once you’ve got chooks, everyone assumes the yard’s supposed to look like that. It’s not neglect, it’s permaculture.’ She makes a fair point—add three hens and suddenly you’re not lazy, you’re sustainable. Simple.
