ASK PETE – APRIL 2015

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Tired of small talk? Hair growing too quickly after a cut? Your favourite cafe still closed at 8:03 am when they advertise that they actually open at 8:00? Well take a long sip of your latte and listen up – ‘coz Pete knows all!

Pete, this might seem trivial, but I am noticing helicopters hovering over our suburb a lot recently. Any ideas?

Dee, Altona North.

Pete says: “What you should do is… Hide your stash! Nah just kidding! But seriously, helicopters are flying around your suburb because that’s what they do – fly. But first, a quick question Dee – do you believe someone has been watching you ‘recently’? Secret cameras, listening devices, people in dark sunglasses eavesdropping on your conversations at your local café ‘recently’? Because let me tell you, much as it would be so much more exciting to picture helicopters supporting a high speed police pursuit, or tracking a gang of prison escapees, the truth is you’re probably watching too much TV, and they’re just doing a traffic report, or something equally boring. It’s when you see them hovering 50 metres above your backyard you should start to worry.”

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Hi Pete, I am a conscientious nature strip mower, yet my neighbour is a slob who just lets his turn into a forest. I’ve tried dropping hints, cutting it for him, and my patented thinly-veiled-death-stare, but nothing works – I didn’t even get a thank you for the mowing! What should I do?

Douglas, Williamstown North

Pete says; “What you should do is… Let your grass grow wild too! Solidarity – that’s how you make friends and influence people! Er, I’m pretty sure at the very least it’s how you make friends. Well maybe more like close, personal acquaintances actually… OK, forget it, solidarity sucks, you’ll end up doing something you don’t want to do, with someone you despise and be bored, hungry and angry. Look, just set your alarm for 3 am, mix up some rapid-set concrete, go out the front, dig his strip up and fill it in. You’ll never have to stretch again to see over your neighbour’s weeds, and he’ll never have to lift a finger. Everybody wins!

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Hello Pete, I’m struggling big-time with my neighbour – one of those tight wads that’s oh-so precious about how everyone else’s nature strip looks. Sure, mine gets a tad shaggy from time to time, but I’m more concerned with enjoying time with my family and relaxing on the weekend. What do you reckon, how do we solve this?

Dave, Williamstown North

Pete says: ” What you should do is…Er wait a minute, I’m getting a strange sense of deja vu here… wait, no, it’s probably just heartburn from my third LLB (that’s Long-Long-Black to you). So where were we? Oh yeah, Nature Strip Wars II – Return of the Killer Weeds. OK so there’s only one way to win a war – pulverise your enemy into oblivion. For that you’ll need weed-killer, and plenty of it – and not that poncy stuff the old coot plugs on Better Homes and Gardens. I’m talking industrial strength, you know; looks like petrol, smells like ammonia, double-layer of safety gloves and wrap around protective goggles kinda of stuff the army has somewhere in an outback bunker. One spray of that and it’s not just his attitude that’ll wilt – his grass will disappear and you can sit back and relax on your weekends, safe in the knowledge that he’s spending his feverishly taking soil samples, writing letters to the EPA and hassling his local member of Parliament.

Please note: Everyone’s favourite know it all, home-handyman, internet-diagnosing health specialist, self-anointed mediator and lunchtime legend will be launching his ‘must have’ garden range including Pete’s Rapid Set Cement and Pete’s Weed Killer this Sunday at Bunnings Altona!

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