Ate too much cheesecake? iPhone battery going flat before you even get to make a call? Seeing too many ads for products you already have? Then buckle up, ‘coz here’s Pete with the solutions to your ‘issues’!

Pete, this might seem trivial, but as a food reviewer I spend a lot of time instagramming my coffee, brunch and snacks. Problem is, by the time I’m finished it has all gone cold. What would you do?

Owen, West Footscray

Pete says: “What you should do is… Look for the ‘instagram friendly’ sticker on café, bar and restaurant windows! This innovative new program is for tech-savvy proprietors who understand that the most important part of the process of ‘eating out’ is of course… the photos! Yes, when you’re done showcasing their limp kale leaves and over-done eggs to the world, these cutting edge eateries will happily whisk your meal back to the kitchen with a smile and return it to you pronto, re-heated and steaming. Ah they’re a happy lot when it comes to this trend. Oh, and don’t worry about the froth that’s suddenly appeared on the top of your long-black. They probably just thought you’d ordered a cappuccino!

We went to Europe for Christmas to visit relatives then did a four week tour of the Dalmatian Coast and Greek Islands. Sounds amazing I know, but to be honest the holiday was all just too long. Any advice for next year Pete?

Olivia, Williamstown

Pete says: “What you should do is… Just go somewhere that’s simply awful. It’s clear you can’t distinguish between the crystal blue waters of Croatia and a slag pile towering over the oil pits of Azerbaijan, so why not save stacks of money next year and just Google “Cesspool accommodation required for upper-middle class wanker”? Being the miserable, ungrateful sod you are, you’ll probably fit right in and have a ball. And if the rest of us are lucky Olivia, you might even choose not to come back.

Hi Pete. We went to a restaurant and ordered a starter, but when they came out they were like mini-meals, and by the time we’d finished them we didn’t feel like our mains. What to do?

Ollie, West Footscray

Pete says: “What you should do is… hmm this is a tough one. You see Ollie, when I was a kid we had a saying at dinner time: “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” Admittedly this meant that if you didn’t like liver and onions, bubble and squeak, or meat charred to a biscuit-like crispness in one of those steak toasters, then it was just plain bad luck. You know, I don’t think being served too much quality food was ever the problem. And think of all those poor deprived people at the other tables that only ordered a salad and a glass of mineral water – what kind of meal is that? So my friend, I think the lesson here is suck it up and chow down!



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