ASK PETE: YOUR FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS SOLVED!

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Run for your life! It’s ‘Pete-zilla’, here to tell you ‘what you should do!’

Hey Pete, got a parking problem. Out the front of my place there’s parking space for 3 cars, yet someone always manages to park a bit off so that only two cars can fit there. What do I need to do, go out and paint white lines?

Vinny, Altona North (Facebook message)

Vinny, this is a common problem, and alas like most common problems, there aren’t any easy answers. Sure, you could paint lines, but hey, paint’s expensive and your time is precious. You could involve the council, but by the time you’ve completed the forms, had them rejected and returned, they’ve already done a neighbourhood survey, an impact study, and some dumb-arsed measurements and decided only ONE car can actually fit in that space, AND they’re also going to put in a one hour parking restriction! Bad idea. No, what you should do is… put up a sign that says ‘Vinnies Car Parking Services’ and charge every single driver $5 for you to park their car correctly. Presto! There’s always a spare space, and seeing neatly parked cars 24 hours a day will satisfy your need for symmetry, or whatever OCD issue it is your having!


Pete, my neighbour goes to this health and spa retreat ‘Gogana’ twice a year. Some trendy joint where they hand you a turmeric smoothie and a pair of bamboo sandals on arrival, and make you meditate for 20 minutes before they’ll check you in. This is as far from my dream as is imaginable, but I just never hear the end of it.

John, Williamstown (via email)

John I have to admit, I went and Googled ‘Gogana’, and all that came up was that the word meant ‘a collection of moths’, which apparently are found predominantly in and around Borneo and Sumatra. So unless your neighbour is heading to the Straits of Malacca and feasting on insects, I’m confused. Or maybe he’s Greek? What you should do is… next time he mentions this place, proudly announce that you’ve just got back from your own dream retreat, ‘Bogana’, where on arrival they hand you an AC/DC T-shirt, a can of Jim Bean and Cola, and a pair of moccasins. They then make you listen to Skid Row for 20 minutes before you can check in! Watch his jaw drop and his mind boggle – gold!


Greetings Mr “Ask Pete”! Alright, what is it with the ‘youf’ of today? Everyone seems to think they get a raw deal – but not me.

Arthur, Footscray (via email)

You might actually be right Arthur! I was thinking about this and trying to work out what the ‘youf’ of today like. Well, they definitely like avocado – and that’s raw. Pretty sure they’re into those acai bowls – again, raw! And you could argue you’d be sore after a 48 hour gaming marathon – some pretty raw butts! So where does that leave us? Oh yeah Arthur, I don’t really know what your question is, but I suspect today’s ‘youf’ like most things raw, which makes you er, wrong my friend! (Now scoot back to your rose bushes…)

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