By Marie Vakakis
Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Couples Therapist
You’ve probably been here before. You try to raise something with your partner and within seconds they’re defensive. You don’t know what you’re doing wrong, and maybe you’re starting to feel like you can’t say anything at all.
The short answer is that you’re probably not doing everything wrong. Defensiveness in a partner is almost always a reaction to how something was delivered and understanding that distinction changes everything about where you start.
Let me explain what I mean.
There is a significant difference between saying
‘I feel ignored when you’re on your phone, and I’d love for us to spend some time together’, and saying ‘You’re always on your phone, and you’re ignoring me!’
The second one is going to land as an attack. It makes complete sense that the other person defends themselves, because they’re responding to a criticism of their character, not an expression of your feelings.
The Gottman approach, which informs a lot of how I work with couples, identifies criticism and contempt as two of the most damaging communication patterns in relationships. Criticism attacks the person while contempt goes one step further and communicates disrespect. Both generate defensiveness as a predictable response.
What I see consistently in my therapy room is that people genuinely believe they’re sharing how they feel, but the way it comes out is ‘you never’ or ‘you always’, followed by a character flaw. You never listen. You’re always so distracted. It’s like I don’t even matter to you. Those phrases land as a verdict on who the other person is, not as an expression of what you need.
The shift that changes conversations is starting with I feel rather than you did.
I feel unheard when I try to talk to you and your phone is in your hand. I feel disconnected and I’d love more quality time together. I feel frustrated when I walk into a messy house and I’d like us to work out a system. These sentences describe your experience. They give your partner something to respond to rather than something to defend against.
Be specific about what you need. I feel disconnected is a starting point, not a finished request. I’d love to go out for dinner this week without phones is something your partner can actually do something with.
There’s another piece worth knowing about, and it’s one I come back to in almost every couples session I run. It’s the difference between intention and impact. Even when you genuinely didn’t mean to hurt someone, they can still be hurt. Your intention doesn’t cancel out the impact.
I use an analogy in my sessions. If you’re pushing a supermarket trolley and you accidentally run over your partner’s toe, their toe still hurts. It doesn’t matter that you were focused on your shopping list or that the trolley had a wobbly wheel. The most unhelpful response in that moment is – I didn’t mean it. Because the toe still hurts regardless.
What helps is acknowledging the impact before explaining the intention. That shift is deceptively simple and genuinely changes things.
If your partner is consistently defensive, it’s also worth considering what they’re carrying from their own history. Past relationships, childhood experiences, or a general sense of not feeling safe in conflict can all create a default defensive response that has nothing to do with you personally. That doesn’t mean the behaviour is yours to manage indefinitely, but understanding where it might come from can reduce some of the tension you feel about always being the one at fault.
One last thing. If you’re worried about how your partner will receive something, you can ask them directly how they’d prefer to hear it. One of the most useful phrases I know is: ‘The story my brain made up’, so for example you might say ‘The story my brain made up is that you think I’m inadequate. Could you try saying that a different way?’. It names your interpretation without making an accusation, and it gives the other person a real chance to clarify.
Communication is a skill that most of us weren’t taught. The fact that you’re asking this question at all says something about how much the relationship matters to you, and that’s the thing worth holding onto.
Marie Vakakis is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Couples Therapist based in Footscray. She hosts the podcast This Complex Life and answers reader questions monthly in this column. Send your question to askmarie@marievakakis.com.au
