By Marie Vakakis
October Is Mental Health Month. Mental health gets talked about constantly now, which is a great thing in many ways. It’s on your social media feed, it’s in the news, it’s part of small talk in a way it never used to be. Yet most of us still don’t know what to actually say when someone we care about is struggling.
We’re scared of getting it wrong. Scared of making it worse, saying the wrong thing, or opening a door we won’t know how to close. A lot of the time, we say nothing at all instead, and the person we were worried about goes right on struggling, alone, while we tell ourselves we didn’t want to intrude.
This is where people get stuck; I see it both in my clinical work and when I run mental health and wellbeing training. People care. They notice when someone they love has gone quiet, or when a colleague seems flatter than usual, or when a mate hasn’t returned a text in a week or hasn’t shown up to events in a while. What they don’t have is a script for what happens next.
This month is your chance to do something different. Not another post about awareness, but to try and have an actual conversation.
It’s ok to worry about getting it wrong. You don’t need the perfect words; there is a lot you can do to show you care. I’ve got some tips on things to avoid when having one of these conversations.
Find a moment where you’ve both got time and neither of you is rushing off. It doesn’t need to be a big sit down conversation. A walk, a coffee, a drive somewhere works just as well, sometimes better, because you’re not staring straight at each other.
Say what you’ve actually noticed rather than asking a question that’s too easy to wave off. ‘I’ve noticed you haven’t seemed yourself lately’ opens the door in a way that ‘are you okay’ doesn’t, because ‘are you okay’ is too easy to answer with a yes.
If they open up, you don’t need to fix it. Let them speak without interrupting. Put your phone away, make eye contact, and let them get there at their own pace. Say something like ‘that sounds really tough’ or ‘I’m really glad you told me’ rather than reaching for reassurance. Saying things like ‘It’s not that bad’, ‘other people have it worse’, ‘you’ll be fine’, ‘you should just get on with it’ can feel really dismissive even if well-intentioned. Even well-meant advice can feel dismissive when someone is in pain. When in doubt, listen more than you speak.
If you’re worried it might be more serious than a rough week, ask directly. Asking someone if they’re thinking about suicide doesn’t plant the idea. It tells them you’ve noticed and you can handle the honest answer.
Ask what would help rather than assuming. Then offer something concrete. Sitting with them while they call their GP, or going along to a first appointment, can feel supportive.
Being heard matters as much as being helped. It’s one of the things I teach in Mental Health First Aid, and it’s the part that surprises people most. You don’t need to be an expert. You need to notice out loud and then actually listen.
You don’t need the right words. You need to stay in the conversation.
If you or someone you know needs urgent support, call 000 for emergencies, Lifeline on 13 11 14, or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.
