By Kalpana SK
‘That our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the human nervous system and psyche are able to manage.’ Job Kabat-Zinn in Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown
To me, this is the definition of being overwhelmed.
Sitting at my work desk at home, with the kids home on school holidays, and my husband on a work call in the other room, I kept pondering: Should I? Shouldn’t I?
I picked up The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell from my bookshelf, and flicked through its pages.
For a few months to this moment, my husband and I had been supporting the ones we love; various family members, who were going through difficult circumstances. I was emotionally exhausted, struggling to get consistent sleep throughout the week, and felt mentally drained.
Put parenting on top of that, and it was all too overwhelming. Yet being resilient I knew I could soldier on like this.
Being a yoga teacher and having studied counselling, I kept thinking of the impact a parent’s emotional wellbeing can have on their parenting. I knew very well that a parent needed to be emotionally balanced and fulfilled through self-care. Nurturing this aspect was a key part of self-care for me.
I looked up as my husband walked into the room. I instantly asked, “When do you think is a good time for me to see the counsellor I found? Maybe I should give it a few more weeks.”
“If you want to do it – do it now? Why wait, it’s a great idea,” he responded.
I felt supported by him and appreciated that we have such openness in our relationship. Sometimes this kind of support can be the final push you need. But I was still hesitant.
On the one hand, I thought talking to friends and family should be enough. On the other, I thought maybe a third party, someone new, like a counsellor would provide a safe space to share how I was feeling.
I did have one other thought – what if the counsellor told me something was wrong with me?
This amused me. I think I was leaning on my internalised Indian thought process, and how in our community the norm is to keep things close to our heart, and only share with the ones we trust and those who don’t judge.
In a research conducted on the Barriers to counselling experienced by British South Asian women, the authors write, ‘Participants identified attitudes and beliefs about counselling, counsellors and psychological distress which revealed widespread generalisations and stereotypes. Some of these views were culturally specific whilst others reflected stereotypes commonly held by the population as a whole, but they all had the potential to act as barriers to help‐seeking.’
Was this unconsciously true for me?
I wondered if there were other South Asian parents like me who had felt this. I knew I had my own set of values and way of thinking. I had the awareness and open mindedness to give this a try. And I was an advocate for proactive mental/emotional self-care. And yet I felt a level of hesitation, but I decided I was going to do it.
As I sat and waited for the clock to hit 10 AM and for the online counselling session to start, I stared out the window and looked at the clouds. I was restless and having feelings of regret. I didn’t want to do it!
I kept thinking: why was I struggling with these difficult circumstances? Why couldn’t I figure out a way to manage this without getting a counsellor involved?
A few months ago, while speaking to a Caucasian friend of mine, a mum of three and a school teacher, I found out that she too was seeing a counsellor.
Not for anything specific, but she too was in overdrive support mode and realised that for her to be a good mum she needed to have a strong support network. She told me sometimes that included leaning on friends and family, and sometimes that included leaning on her counsellor.
Were South Asian parents also feeling overwhelmed supporting family while raising healthy children?, I thought.
The clock hit 10. With a big sigh I clicked the link. An hour passed.
I said goodbye to my counsellor, and paused. I felt calm, and not an ounce of regret.
The session felt like a fresh chat and gave me a solution-based approach. It served as a reminder on how I needed to support others without getting too consumed. This was something I already knew, and yet in the thick of it, I had forgotten it. Ultimately, the session was aimed at supporting me to feel empowered, so I could navigate difficult circumstances including the day to day, with clarity and confidence.
Although one session is not a quick fix, it was really up to me to take on board whatever tips and reading materials that were recommended. For it to be successful, I had to take the lead and be driven.
We left our next session on a needs basis. I went about my day and the feelings of overwhelm were gone. I had gotten exactly what I had wanted from this one session.
In fact this session reminded me that I needed to stick to my self-care above all else. Self-care for me includes exercise, mindfulness, picking up the phone and calling my mum, hanging out with my local community, and reading… And now it also includes sessions with a counsellor.
The hesitation, the barriers, the stereotypical ways of looking at mental health counselling were well and truly broken for me.
Back at my work desk with The 5 Love Languages of Children. I started to flick through the book again, looking for something. And then I found it.
‘Every child has an emotional tank, a place of emotional strength that can fuel him through the challenging days of childhood and adolescence…We must fill our children’s emotional tanks for them to operate as they should and reach their potential.’
This quote resonated with me and reminded me that to keep my children’s emotional tank full, I first had to make sure mine was full too.
I’ve had a few learnings along the way and I have a deeper understanding of the impact my emotional self-care has on my parenting.
Firstly, if I am to bring my best self to each moment in parenting – I need a strong support network in place. This support network could be friends and family, who are often great listeners and support you with unconditional love. But it could be a professional too, a counsellor who helps you work things out that are going on in your head and heart, and sometimes you need this to make a lasting shift.
Secondly, I needed to find a mental health professional that aligned with my values and me as a person. I needed to feel a good connection, so I felt safe enough to open up to them.
And lastly, raising my kids well meant that I had about 18 to 21 years from their birth to guide and support them on how to navigate the ups and downs of life. After that it would be them holding the ropes and I would be part of their support network as and when needed.
Keeping my emotional cup full meant I was keeping their emotional cup full. The natural back and forth that comes from this notion, hopefully over time, will also teach my kids the importance of self-care.
Kalpana SK is the parenting content lead at SAARI Collective. She is an author, yoga teacher and sports enthusiast. She loves all things parenting, and has a keen interest in children’s wellbeing – a passion that she attributes to her two beautiful kids. You can follow her work here and on Instagram.
