Is this what homeownership does to people?
Where Have The Sleeves From My Flannel Shirts Gone, of Altona Meadows writes,
Dear Westie, I have become one of those people with one of those gardens: wild trees, patchy lawn and a hard rubbish collection that’s rapidly moving from being in progress to a state of permanent installation. I used to take pride in my garden, but I find that I just don’t have the time anymore. Every day, as the grass gets longer and longer, I seem less and less able to do anything about it. I feel like, if I’m not careful, it’s only a matter of time until I wake up to find a 72 Torana up on blocks in the driveway, that my name is now Bubba and that I drink 4X. Help.
Dear WHTSFMFSGOA, First, let me address your deepest fear: XXXX is a Queensland beer. Out here in the west, we drink VB like civilized people, even when our nature strips look like a scene from Mad Max. That you wrote it as ‘4X’ rather than ‘XXXX’ suggests that you are not yet at full Banana Bender; there’s hope for you yet.
Second, congratulations! You’ve achieved what eastern suburbs types pay landscape architects thousands to create: the ‘authentically wild’ aesthetic. Your patchy lawn isn’t neglect, it’s ‘climate-appropriate landscaping’. That hard rubbish pile is a sculptural installation commenting on consumer culture. I assume you’ve already had someone from Brunswick knock on your door asking if the broken IKEA shelf is available.
The Torana-on-blocks scenario is actually your exit strategy. Once it appears (and it will), you have two choices: Give in, hit FB Marketplace and start looking for parts you can’t afford and will never buy, or use it as your wake-up call to spend the next Saturday in the company of the lawn mower, a pair of shears and your green bin.
Here’s the thing: every garden exists on a spectrum between ‘Bunnings showcase home’ and ‘that house’. You’re currently at ‘artist’s residence’ which is, two steps up from ‘student share house’ and three above ‘crack den’. So, you’re OK. You only need to worry if:
- The council sends a letter
- A possum files a noise complaint about the bins
- Someone tries to buy your vintage hard rubbish at 2am
Until then, you’re fine. Though maybe hide the stubby holder collection, just in case.
From last edition
In our previous edition, we tackled the issue of people getting possessive about parking spots outside their home. Should you have the right to park right in front of yours, or is it all up for grabs?
Sticky Beak of Kingsville suggested that our correspondent simply walk outside, stand next to the driver’s side door, whenever anyone pulls up to park, smiling and saying, ’Mummy told me to come out and say hello’.
Nosey Parker of Braybrook wrote to say that he doesn’t care who parks outside his house as long as they don’t care that he superglues their doors shut. Ain’t life great?
