By Kalpana SK
Seldom do I hear people in the South Asian community talk openly about their confusion, dilemma, or decision to have children.
I’ve always respected how confidently and openly my Caucasian friends spoke about this topic.
So I decided to chat with three South Asian women to explore their thoughts on the issue.
Tara* – undecided
Tara has a successful career in energy consulting, enjoys travelling, time in nature and has a love for music but is unsure about having children.
“I’ve had my own issues with my parents – the immigrant struggles and obviously my relationship with my mother hasn’t been very smooth. When I started dabbling into therapy during university, I realised what a big mother wound I had. That’s probably where I had a lot of sense of disgust about being a mother. I felt I had a lot of stuff to sort out. How can I possibly even help another person, a child, go through life like that?
I also felt that my childhood was taken away because I had to step into a parental role at a very young age for my brother. Now I’m an adult, and I’m starting to really explore who I am.
I feel this guilt – what is my moral obligation to the planet? Then there’s guilt from the fact that I am being selfish if I do not choose to have kids. My mum’s perspective was that I’m choosing my career and other things in my life.
On the other hand, sometimes when I hang out with friends who’ve got kids and I see their bond, I feel it’d be so special and so sacred. It’s so nice to experience that; it’s a form of healing in itself.
I think the battle for me is I love kids, and I would love to be around them. I can’t just sit on it for another four or five years. If I was able to wave a magic wand and say, okay, nothing’s going to go wrong and you can have kids at 40 comfortably without risks, I think I would have kids later, maybe in decades’ time. Ultimately, there’s pressure for women to make a decision and stick to it.”
Mayana* – child free
Mayana works as a psychologist, loves gardening, artsy things, cooking, travelling and dancing, and has realised she doesn’t want children.
“This is something that I’ve come to understand, especially over the last two or so years. For a while I’ve been on the fence, I was considering children, but then considering adoption as well. I started seeing my own psychologist. And I think through those discussions and conversations, I realised having children isn’t really for me.
I think it’s…my childhood, and my upbringing has resulted in coping mechanisms that I’ve developed myself. So my biggest worry is…just how much damage you can do to a child. I just didn’t like the prospect of that. It’s your duty to make sure that they’re okay. Once you make that decision, that’s it for the rest of your life, you can’t take it back.
The other thing… is the state of the environment. The Earth doesn’t have resources to support more human beings. We’re going to pass away, but they’re going to have to live in this environment that we’ve created for them. That’s not the best.
I felt quite inadequate, almost defective. I found myself thinking: is there something wrong with me [because] I don’t want children? I know, there’s people out there without children, but I feel quite strongly about it, and I worry about disappointing my parents.
I know quite a few people who’ve decided [they] don’t think [they] want kids. And that clearly was a moment of relief for me, because I [thought], my gosh, I’m not alone.
The relief is probably the biggest emotion, especially when my partner was also on board.”
Shilpa* – child free
Shilpa is on a sabbatical after a career with media and tech companies, and is a keen traveller and meditator and has decided against having children.
“I grew up in a fairly traditional and a very loving household. I have a great relationship with my family. So it was a little bit unnatural, because I can’t point to an event or a moment or anything traumatic that happened in my life that made me realise that I didn’t want children. I feel like it has been an evolution over time.
I got married in my late 20s, so I did have the opportunity to have children if I wanted to. But for me, rationally, it never made sense because I see the sacrifices parents make for their children. I’ve always been very independent, emotionally independent… from a young age.
I did check in with myself… every few years to see how I am feeling about it. But by the time I was in my mid 30s, that’s when I felt quite confident that wasn’t going to be something for me.
I do think there was this fear of being judged. The one thing I’ve realised is that people who judge are going to judge you, no matter what. If you have children, they’re going to judge the way you raise your children.
I’ve been so fortunate to have a husband that’s very understanding. Both sides of my family, my in-laws and my own family have been super respectful of my decision.
There is a perception that I or women [in general] sometimes choose not to have children because it’s selfish. I want to live a free life. I want to travel, I want to be able to … live in different countries. It can come across as frivolous. I’ve always been fairly ambitious in my life, but I absolutely think that so many women manage careers and having kids beautifully, and I would do too.
It’s made me double down more on figuring out what my purpose in life is, and how not having children helps me move myself closer to my purpose.
I believe my purpose in life is to connect at the deepest level to myself and my soul and to live life at the most elevated version I can, transcending from worldly attachments.
It doesn’t mean I’m going to go live in a cave. But I’d love to double down on my spiritual growth and progress and reach the highest state I can, so I feel like I’ve even been truer and more connected to my purpose.”
In conclusion
Tara, Mayana and Shilpa have beautifully showcased that much goes into the choice to have or not have children. Whilst the process of deciding can take time, we must be reminded that there is no wrong answer. It is an important decision that needs time and space to be thought through. Conversations need to be had and a sense of empowerment needs to be felt. South Asian women come in different flavours and their choices matter. We owe it to ourselves to stop and ask – what path is the right one for me?
*Names have been changed
