He’s got the tools – and the talent. Who you gonna call? Ask Pete!

    Hi there ‘Ask Pete’. Get this, I’m ordering breakfast, pondering over the menu, when the waiter looks me up and down then interjects and tells me I probably shouldn’t order smashed avocado on feta with organic sourdough with the slow baked kaiserfleisch, and suggests I just go for plain scrambled eggs on toast with no sides. What exactly is going on here?

    Jackson, Williamstown (via Facebook messenger)

    What is going on here Jacky-boy is that you are clearly not giving off the kind of affluent vibe that is expected in this modern era. Food choices are linked to wealth and commodities like never before. Ordering avocado in 2017 is like ordering caviar in the 70s, abalone back in the 80s, or duck in the 90s – most responsible eateries need to establish that you’re going to be able to pay the bill, before they take your order. But there is a solution my friend – besides perhaps having a shave and ditching the tracky-daks
 for your weekend outings. What you should do is put together a little wealth portfolio that will impress your local cafe and bank manager in equal measures. Mortgage broker business cards – tick. Real Estate glossy opened to a nearby property with lots of affirmative looking scribble on it – tick. And of course a big set of keys with several that scream ‘house’ and not ‘unit’ attached – tick. Plonk that on the table next time and you’ll have no worries ordering – just be sure not to over extend yourself!

    Pete, help me out here. We arrived at our favourite cafe, our usual table is there and free – we can see it – but we get given a crappy table in the back corner. Two minutes later I look over and the couple who arrived behind us are seated at ‘our’ table. WTF?

    Kevin, Yarraville Village (via email)

    Yes I’ve noticed cafes do like to fill from the back forwards Kevin. It’s like corralling cattle or small children. Maybe they’re just being systematic. I blame Candy Crush. You’ll get over it.

    Hi. I order the same dish (chilli & kale eggs) every Sunday at my favourite little Seddon spot. Boring, you might say, but actually I love the consistency and certainty of it all. Until last week when the chilli was overpowering and made it inedible. What can one do in such situations?

    Veronica, Geelong (via email)

    Veronica you say you’re ordering eggs in Seddon yet in your email claim to be from Geelong. I think we can all agree there is a bigger problem at foot here than any excess of chilli could compete with – it’s the fact that you are driving 70 kms just to order breakfast! The only way your carbon footprint could be offset would be if you had chooks in the backyard and brought your own eggs, grew the chilli and kale and brought that too, and hope to goodness that your stoneground sourdough came from the baker next door. Oh, and that’s all assuming you cycled up here of course.


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