Organic bread going stale before you get it home? Your soy double-decaf flat white still too weak? Hot water running out after 20 minutes? Well come in, lie back, and tell Pete all about your mutti…

    Pete I work in a top floor office in the city, it’s cool but the downside is that I have to wait for the lift to stop at everyone else’s floor. Driving. Me. Mad.

    Paul, Williamstown

    What you should do is… Buy your own elevator! Clearly you’re an important, busy man Paul, the last thing you need is inconsiderate plebs from the LOWER floors holding back your daily arrivée grandiose at your bejewelled palatial place of employment. Alternatively you could charge them a small fee to ride with you, and use the time signing autographs!

    Pete we’re a family of five living in Footscray. Parking is always hard in our street, but the council have made it harder because they will only give us two parking permits! OK so we own five cars between us, and if the nearby train station had a bigger parking lot we’d be fine but it doesn’t. This is some kind of new level of unfair. Help!

    Penelope, Footscray

    What you should do is…Demand equal rights! Your neighbours, you know the ones that only own two cars, they get a permit each, so why shouldn’t you? And those other neighbours, you know those oh so ‘environmentally friendly’ tree-hugging yoghurt munchers that use the train, the tram, the bus, bicycles, car-shares and their legs to get to work, uni, the shops, family/friend’s houses and the pub, well why should they get any? And while we’re on the subject, I’m also sick of those smug privileged outer-suburbanites who have no such permit worries in places like Wyndham Vale and Tarneit. Yes I see you, just sitting there, reading this, drinking your cappuccino and mocking us with your vast expanses of concrete and asphalt, cheaper property prices, and superior life-style choices!

    Hi Pete, we’re in love with the new Paleo restaurant that opened up a few weeks ago, but their odd-shaped take-away containers won’t fit in our fridge! What do you reckon – should we just chuck it in and go back to being vegan?

    Patamyn, WeFo

    What you should do is… Open your own restaurant! You’re clearly muddled by the millions of messages the mass media use to manipulate mere mortal minds (sorry, they were doing “M” on Sesame Street this morning, it messed with me). Those awkward, ungainly containers? They’re just a metaphor my friend, a symbol of your inability to find a fad that fits into the more  important compartments of the understanding you have of your own life. So open your own joint; why not jump the shark and make it an organic, vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, no-carb, locally sourced, single origin theme, and then those containers will fit perfectly in your fridge. Or your freezer to be exact. Because you’ll be selling ice blocks!

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