By Marie Vakakis
You forgot to take the bins out. Again. What starts as a simple reminder quickly spirals into a heated debate about who does more, who appreciates who less and why this relationship suddenly feels like an outrageous mess.
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many couples find themselves having the same argument on repeat, leaving them discombobulated and questioning why these minor frustrations escalate into major blowouts. The good news is, conflict itself isn’t the problem. It’s how we handle it that makes or breaks a relationship.
Avoiding conflict doesn’t mean avoiding problems
A common belief is that happy couples don’t fight. Many people think avoiding conflict will keep the peace, but unresolved issues don’t simply disappear. Instead, they build up over time, creating a clusterfluff of resentment and frustration. The result? Small annoyances, like an unwashed coffee mug, trigger an argument that has little to do with the actual mug.
Research from the Gottman Institute, which has studied couples for decades, shows that about 70 percent of relationship conflicts are ongoing. These aren’t issues with a clear resolution but rather fundamental differences in personality, values and preferences. One person loves spreadsheets and financial planning. The other finds budgeting restrictive. One thrives on spontaneity. The other needs structure and a plan. These differences don’t go away, but how couples handle them determines the health of the relationship.
Why do small fights turn into big problems?
It is rarely about the bins, the dishes or the spreadsheet. Most fights that seem trivial on the surface are about something deeper—feeling unheard, unimportant or unappreciated. One partner might see the overflowing bin as a sign their efforts are being ignored, while the other sees the argument as an overreaction. Both end up feeling frazzled and misunderstood.
Tone plays a massive role in whether a disagreement escalates. A simple “Hey, can you take the bins out?” lands very differently from a sarcastic “Wow, I love that I have to remind you every single time.” The words we choose matter, but the way we say them matters even more.
What actually makes conflict healthy?
Conflict isn’t about winning. It’s about understanding. The happiest couples aren’t the ones who never argue but the ones who repair after a disagreement. Healthy conflict allows both people to express themselves, feel heard and find a way forward together.
One of the biggest mistakes in handling conflict is assuming that saying “I’m sorry” is enough. Apologies only work when they acknowledge the other person’s feelings, rather than just ending the argument. A rushed “I said I’m sorry” won’t cut it. Repairing after conflict can be as simple as checking in later, offering a reassuring touch or saying, “I know we didn’t see eye to eye, but I care about you.” These small moments of reconnection build trust over time.
How to handle conflict without it spiralling
• Approach arguments with curiosity instead of defensiveness. Instead of asking “How do I make them agree with me?” try “What can I learn about their perspective?”
• Pay attention to tone. The way something is said makes all the difference
• Recognise what is really underneath the argument. Are you fighting about the dishwasher, or are you feeling unappreciated?
• Focus on repairing after a fight rather than avoiding one altogether. Small moments of reconnection build trust
• If conflict is always avoided, have a conversation about why it feels uncomfortable in the first place
No relationship is free from disagreements. But learning how to navigate them can mean the difference between ongoing resentment and a relationship that feels strong, connected and resilient—even when the bins don’t get taken out.
