By Marie Vakakis
It often starts with something small. A comment about how the dishwasher has been stacked ‘wrong.’ A sigh when one of you heads to bed before the other. Suddenly, what should have been an ordinary evening ends with both of you feeling like strangers under the same roof.
Moments like these are usually not about the dishes or bedtime at all. They are about the deeper tension sitting just beneath the surface. For some couples, these moments lead to frustration and confusion. They sit there perplexed, thinking ‘What on earth just happened?’
When these small tensions build or are left unresolved, they can lead to significant relationship distress that can compound over time. Sometimes having a third person there to help you navigate it can be helpful.
Why it feels daunting
Bringing up therapy is not easy. In fact, it is not unusual to find the idea anxiety provoking. Many people worry their partner will take it as criticism or as a sign that the relationship is failing. But therapy is not about failure. It is about strengthening the connection.
Why couples hesitate
Some people fear they will be blamed or judged. Others believe therapy is only for couples in crisis, when it can actually be helpful at any stage. Generational and cultural ideas can also get in the way. If you grew up with the belief that relationship struggles should stay private, asking for help may feel uncomfortable.
How to raise the idea
If you are the one bringing it up, how you frame it matters.
Say ‘I’ instead of ‘you.’ For example: ‘I feel like we could communicate better and I’d love some support.’
Focus on growth. Try: ‘I want us to be the best version of our relationship and I think therapy could help.’
Suggest a trial session. A short step often feels less daunting than a big commitment.
Show you are willing to work too. Reassure your partner that therapy is not about blame but about learning together.
Should you wait for the right time?
Life is often messy. You might be caring for a newborn, juggling work stress, or dealing with a family illness. It can feel tempting to wait until things settle before trying therapy. But therapy can actually help couples get through these stressful times, rather than pushing them further apart.
What if they say no?
Sometimes one partner just is not ready. If that happens, ask about their concerns and listen carefully. You might suggest reading a relationship book together or trying a podcast. Another option is to start with individual therapy to build your own communication skills. Even one person shifting their approach can change the dynamic between you.
Facing the fear that things might get worse
A common concern is, ‘what if therapy makes things worse?’ In reality, therapy does not create problems. It shines a light on what is already there. That can be hard to face, but it is also the first step to repair. If there are cracks in the foundation, ignoring them does not make them go away.
Where to begin
If your partner is reluctant, you can still take small steps. My Relationship Refresh course is one option that helps couples reconnect before things become too difficult. There are also excellent free resources available:
Books: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman, Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.
Podcasts: Small Things Often, What Makes Love Last, Ladies We Need to Talk, Why Doesn’t My Partner…?
Marie Vakakis is a Couple & Family Therapist, and Accredited Mental Health Social worker
