Make Yarraville Great Again: I’m with Donald on this one

By John Weldon

As a fellow president, in my case self-appointed lifetime president of the Yarraville Marrow Growers Association (YMGA), I empathise with US president-elect Donald Trump’s outspokenness when it comes to expressing his commitment to doing whatever is necessary to protect and further the interests of his constituents.

As leaders of our peoples, both Donald and I are intimately aware of the importance of sovereign security. Like the US, the YMGA has been subject to incursions from beyond our borders that threaten our way of life.  I’d be lax in my duty as supreme commander if I didn’t do everything in my power to protect us from such threats. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the 2014 scandal whereby that year’s winning marrow was stolen by parties unknown, never to be seen again. We think it might have been taken by the (splinter group) Independent Marrow Growers Association of Yarraville, but we can’t be sure. We need to be sure, so I’m going to build a wall around the West Footscray Bunnings store.

I see those people sneaking out of that store with their little bags of compost and bottles of Charlie Carp, ignoring the ‘no right turn’ sign as they creep up Geelong Road towards Yarraville. I know why they come, it’s not for our jobs, it’s for our fruit. Our marrows are the biggest in the country. And why wouldn’t they be? Nobody knows more about marrows than I do. I talk to top international farmers, you know what they say? ‘We can’t believe how much you know about marrows’. I’m big on marrows. Big marrows.

Donald is building a wall too, and he’s renaming The Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America and why not? No one had heard of America until he became president. No one has done more than he has to put that country on the map. And now, if he gets his way, he’ll be putting even more of the country on even more parts of the map. I’m going to rename Yarraville for the same reason. Nobody has done more than I have to put this suburb on the map, so I’m renaming it Marrowville. Yarraville is much farther away from the Yarra River than the US is from The Gulf of Mexico so it just makes sense. I can’t believe no one has tried it before. Actually, I can believe it.  No one knows as much as I do about the renaming of suburbs. I talk to the top town planners all over the world and they tell me, ‘Nobody knows as much about the renaming of suburbs as you do.’ Anyway, it’s too late to try and stop me, I’ve already had the beanies made. 

Speaking of Marrowville beanies, which are green, by the way,  let’s talk about Greenland. But first – what a segue. Donald is good, but he has nothing on me when it comes to weaving disparate story lines together in unexpected ways. 

So, Greenland, or in my case the front lawn. My wife says this is her territory but there’s nothing legally that says it’s hers, and I need it. So I’m going to take it. And I’m going to build a wall around it and I’m going to rename it. Marrow-a–lar–go. And I’m going to spend summers there. Who’s going to stop me? I‘m the head of Australia’s premier giant vegetable appreciation society. Have you seen my beanies?

While I’m at it, Seddon, our neighbouring suburb, named after a blisteringly unknown New Zealand prime minister, who worked in the Newport rail yards about 100 years ago, has been riding on the coat tails of Marrowville since the late 90s housing boom. Sure, those Seddonites may live in cuter cottages than we do but they come to Marrowville to watch our movies and they drink our coffee and buy our books from our bookshop. I’m going to invite them to become the 51st state of Marrowville and if they refuse, I’m going to build a wall around Canada and have Greenland pay for it.

Lastly, the Panama Canal. I can’t get behind Donald enough on this one. I know exactly how he feels. Why should he have to pay for something like a normal person? He’s not normal. I really mean that. I feel the same about council rates, so I’m not going to pay those anymore. And if Marrowbyrnong City Council complains I’m going to raise tariffs on China and then we’ll see who’s laughing. 

John Weldon is the self-appointed life president of the Yarraville Marrow Growers Association which means he’ll still be president years after Donald has stepped down. Ha ha.