By Marie Vakakis
December has a way of bringing out the best and the worst in people. Many of us move through the month trying to recreate something magical. We plan menus, wrap gifts, set the table in a very particular way and try to make this time of year feel special for the people we care about. Underneath all of this is usually a genuine desire. We want to create memories, repeat the traditions that shaped us or build the ones we never had.
The trouble is that all this good intention often turns into pressure. I see it every year in the therapy room. People are stretched thin, juggling work deadlines, school concerts, family expectations and a diary full of social events. Everyone is tired. Everyone is trying. Then one small thing goes sideways and suddenly it feels like everything is falling apart.
This is how couples end up fighting about things that look completely trivial. It might be the napkins, the ham, the way the tree is decorated or who is hosting. The argument looks silly from the outside, but it is never about the ham. It is about what the ham represents. A tradition. A memory. A dream of how the day is meant to feel. A need to create something meaningful in a season that can feel rushed and chaotic.
I spoke about this on the Well Hello Anxiety podcast with Jodi Richardson. We joked about the holiday ham fight, but what sat underneath that conversation was something tender. People do not fight because they are difficult. They fight because something matters. They care. They have a picture in their mind of how they hoped the day would unfold. When that picture feels threatened, emotions run high.
Imagine one person who dreams of a Christmas Eve dinner that looks a certain way. They want the table set nicely, the tree decorated, everyone relaxed and happy, maybe even matching pyjamas and a special drink. These details make the day feel anchored and meaningful. Their partner might not understand the fuss. They might see all of it as unnecessary work. They may say something like ‘Why are you making such a fuss about nothing?’ Suddenly, the conversation goes pear-shaped, and they are arguing about napkins.
When we zoom out, the real issue becomes clearer. Two people can want the same things – connection, closeness, a sense of celebration – but express it in completely different ways. One person creates meaning through details. The other creates meaning through presence and simplicity. When these differences collide, it can feel like a personal rejection even though no one meant harm.
So what do you do when you are arguing over something that feels ridiculous and you both know it?
Start with curiosity. Instead of saying nobody cares about that or why are you making such a fuss, try asking what does this mean to you or what were you hoping this would look like. These questions open the door to the deeper story. Maybe this tradition reminds them of childhood. Maybe they never had celebrations growing up and this is their chance to build something new. Maybe they have been thinking about it for months because it helps them feel grounded.
Validation matters. You do not have to agree with someone to acknowledge their feelings. Saying ‘I can see this is important to you’ is very different from saying ‘Fine, do what you want’. The first builds connection. The second builds resentment. When someone has invested time, effort or emotion into something, dismissing it can feel crushing.
Compromise is part of any relationship, especially during the holidays. If one person cares deeply about the napkins, maybe they take responsibility for those details and the other person lightens the load somewhere else. If someone is disappointed that things have to change, let them feel that disappointment. Grief is not a sign that something is wrong. It is a sign that something mattered.
The most helpful conversations come from stepping back and asking ‘What are we really fighting about?’. Often the answer has nothing to do with the object itself. It is about belonging, memory, identity or a longing to feel closer to the people we love.
December will always be a full month. There will always be events to attend, gifts to buy and expectations to navigate. But connection does not come from perfection. It comes from being able to talk about the things beneath the surface and to see each other with a little softness.
So before the next argument over napkins or ham or who is hosting, pause. Ask what is the dream behind this. Understanding that deeper layer is what helps families and couples feel more present, more grounded and more connected at the end of the year.
Marie Vakakis is a couple and family therapist and accredited mental health social worker
