ASK PETE: YOUR FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS SOLVED!

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He’s over-qualified, over-important, and over here. Roll out your first world problems, ‘coz it’s time to… Ask Pete!

Hi Pete. This is an awkward one. We have a friend who, although they’ve never insisted outright, want all visitors to remove their shoes when visiting them. Their usual tactic is to casually block the doorway whilst kind of eyeing off the pile of shoes by the front door. My shoes are expensive. I like wearing them. And I don’t like being forced to do things. What’s the answer here?

Tom, Yarraville (via email)

Considering your ‘friend’ likes ‘eyeing off’ shoes, it could be possible there’s some kind of loafer-envy happening here. Does your friend have a criminal record? Have you ever seen inside their cupboard? OK, What you should do is… let your toenails grow to grotesque proportions! That way, no true friend will want to see your mangy, curled up, primeval toe-horns! And you won’t have to make up some kind of medical condition either, tell the friend that you are going for the Guinness Book of Records! You may lose your friend, and probably even a few others, but you won’t be losing those shoes!


Pete, we have a car parking problem in our block of flats. We all have an assigned space but someone keeps stealing mine. It’s always the same car and every one of my neighbours deny any knowledge of the vehicle.

Dave, Footscray (via Facebook Messenger)

Ooooh, how exciting, you have a car-space thief in your midst! Just puttin’ this out there, but wouldn’t it be excellent to host a “How to catch a thief” dinner party and invite all your neighbours! Whoever doesn’t turn up… there’s your thief! Hmm, or they might all just turn up, eat the food, drink all your booze and scare your cat. No, what you should do is… next time your sacred space is occupied by the culprit, grab a brick, then ever so gently place it on a tissue in the middle of their car bonnet. Works for me every time! And if they still don’t get the message, well they must be thick as a brick, and you may then have to resort to more blunt methods, if you follow me…


Pete, not sure if neighbour disputes are your thing, but I have a problem with the guy across the road who keeps putting stuff in my rubbish bins. What do you do with someone like that?

Con, Footscray (via Facebook Messenger)

What you should do is… don the industrial strength gloves and check through your bins immediately! There might be something seriously illegal going on here! Maybe they are gradually disposing of a body? Or an errant shipment of drugs their dog sniffed out down the park? Or maybe even their Duran Duran cassette collection? Though I hate to disappoint you, juicy as those scenarios sound, the reality is they are probably just a very tidy individual who have run out of space in their own bins, and see you as a generous, community-minded type who wouldn’t mind helping them out in their time of need. And hey, it’s better that they put rubbish in your bin than say, spread it across your nature strip…

 

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