ASK PETE. YOUR FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS SOLVED!

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Give us a “P”! Give us an “E”! Give us a “T”! Give us, er, another “E”! What do you get? An annoying know-it-all who can’t wait to tell you “What you should do…!”

Pete we’ve just been forced onto the NBN. It’s a joke. Life was all fine when we had our good old reliable ADSL service, now we’re just paying more for less!

Warren, Brooklyn (via email)

I feel your pain Warren, but to be honest, what did you expect? The whole system and the corporation’s communications have been digitally dumbed down so that the rest of us get lost in a sea of acronyms we’re too scared to admit we don’t understand. NBN? Stands for “Narrow Bloody Nonsense” which is what pollies were full of when they devised this roll-out. FTTBB? You thought that had something to do with fibres? Wrong! It actually stands for “Forget Trying To Be Brisk”, which is what you should have done before signing up. MBPS? Nothing to do with data download speed my friend, it’s “Makes Brooklyn Particularly Special”. Now there’s a compliment at least!


Hi Pete, just wanted to have a whinge about the NBN, apparently it all works fine during the middle of the day when I’m not home, but at night it slows down to a treacle-like speed – it’s like dial up!

Ken, Williamstown (via FB)

Ken, imagine the NBN being a bit like public transport. During the day when no-one’s on it, it works a treat. But come rush hour, everyone’s packing in and it all just starts to fall apart as the level of usage ramps up. Peak hour is about the time that Game of Thrones becomes the public transport equivalent of sucking it in while the doors close, and getting a hairy armpit in your face. But don’t complain Ken – this is the fast broadband offering of the party YOU voted for. While the other party was offering you a shiny new rail network, you decided to stick with tradition, and vote for the clapped out old bus pulled by a couple of donkeys!


Hey Pete, we just got told that we can’t have NBN because we are “too far from the exchange”. What the? We live 7 kms from the CBD for goodness sake!

Hunter, Altona North (via email)

Hunter that is the worst! That’s like being told you can’t have KFC because they don’t deliver, when we all know that if you’re “close enough to the Colonel”, they deliver – oh boy do they deliver! So I’m afraid the news isn’t good my friend, and what you should do is… wait for Uber Broadband! It may take two weeks and arrive on a push-bike, but they will deliver anywhere!

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