ASK PETE – DECEMBER 2014 AND JANUARY 2015

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Got too many cars in the driveway? No room in the fridge for your tub of organic cinnamon yoghurt? Neighbour’s dog won’t stop barking? Then you’ve come to the right place!

Dear Pete, I’ve been going to the same café every day for the last couple of years. I know the barista by name and he makes my ‘usual’ – a soy latte – daily without a word needing to be spoken. Yesterday he didn’t even look up or smile and when I got to the bus stop I realised I’d been given a full cream milk flat white. How do I face him tomorrow?

Anna, Seddon.

Pete says; “What you should do is… go back tomorrow and tell him you have chronic lactose intolerance and that his full cream flat white caused a series events which led to… and then smile and hand him one of those black dog-doo bags with a couple of mandarins inside. You’ll all have a laugh and your man will never forget your ‘usual’ again!”

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Pete I went to a gallery opening organised by my daughter’s school. I thought the art was produced by the kids and asked the person next to me whether a particular piece was the work of the prep class. Turns out it was ‘modern art’ and this person was the artist. I left in a hurry but haven’t slept well since!

Ang, Sunshine West.

Pete says; “What you should do is… return to the studio wearing a pair of unmissable fluro-pink reading glasses. Pretend you’ve never met the person and buy a piece of their ‘art’. They will assume you are practically blind and had forgotten your glasses on the night of the opening. That done, sell off the art at the school’s next charity event for an enormous profit, transforming yourself from zero to hero!”

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Hey Pete, I’ve got a fishing trip in the high country planned for next month. Among my group I’m the only newbie. I don’t know the difference between a dry fly and a nymph fly, and wouldn’t know a six pound line if I tripped over it. Help!

Andrew, Spotswood.

Pete says; “What you should do is… on the first day literally trip over a six pound line! Then curse the person that left it there and chide them for not using a ten pound line, pretend you’ve hurt your knee, and park yourself in front of a roaring fire at the pub while the others freeze their nether regions off in an icy stream. Your legend may not grow, but your wisdom and manly pride (not to mention your nether regions) will all remain intact!

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